The Battle to Forgive

For a long time, I thought forgiveness was a single act.  Someone hurt you.  You forgive them.  Done.  

Yeah.  That’s not life.  

Google defines “forgive” as “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  To cancel a debt.”  

I wish I could just decide and those feelings of anger or resentment would just go away. That has not been my experience.  I find that it is a battle to forgive.  A battle against myself.

I remember a time when I was hurt deeply.  Someone I considered a friend and a mentor lashed out.  He said hurtful, untruthful things.  It led to me leaving my church and disrupting the life of my family.  I decided to forgive.  I was over it.  

Fast forward a couple of months.  I have a new job at an elementary school and I am out on bus duty.  I will have bus duty every day.  I turn around and this man who hurt me so deeply is standing behind me.  My head exploded.  All the hurt, the anger, and the resentment came flooding back.  This man drove the latchkey bus for the church.  I was going to see him every day.  

Every day I had to choose how I was going to act.  Was I going to act out of my anger and resentment?  Was I going to act out of love?  I certainly wasn’t feeling love!

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, the anger and resentment subsided.  

I am so grateful that God put me through that situation.  By beating me over the head with it, I learned that forgiveness is not a one-time event.  It is a constant dying to self.  It is a constant choice to give up my right to revenge or justification.  It is a constant battle to choose to love despite the hurt.  

Several years later, I ran into the man and Walmart.  I didn’t recognize him.  He came up, hugged me, and apologized.  I felt love and compassion for this man who had hurt me and my family so deeply.  

This is the greatest lesson Jesus has ever taught me.  Forgiveness is a mindset, not an event. I am so thankful for it.  I look around and see so many destroyed and broken relationships.  I see so many relationships where the tension is obvious, but people say “Peace, Peace”, but there is no peace.  I see hurt.  

I pray for reconciliation.  I am going through a forgiveness battle again.  I have been hurt.  I want justice.  I want revenge.  Though I have been taught this lesson before, I must learn it again.  I must submit myself to Christ.  I ask for a heart of flesh to replace my heart of stone.  

I am so humbled by how Christ has forgiven me.  My failure sent him to the cross.  He died so reconciliation was possible.  He not only did his part, he did my part!  Lord, help me do whatever is necessary to bring reconciliation.